From SCSTRAUS@teletechusa.com Mon Feb 26 13:34:31 1996 Date: Sun, 25 Feb 1996 16:17:16 -0700 From: SEAN STRAUS To: scstraus@wonderland.teletechusa.com Subject: FW: Aphorims (fwd) -Forwarded Received: from slcgwy2.slc.edu by slcdns.slc.edu (AIX 3.2/UCB 5.64/4.03) id AA06330; Sun, 25 Feb 1996 18:08:29 -0500 Received: by slcgwy2.slc.edu with Microsoft Mail id <31311807@slcgwy2.slc.edu>; Sun, 25 Feb 96 18:16:39 PST From: "Hume, Joshua" To: "Sapienza, Emily" , "Bolkin, Julie" , "slocum, joshua" , "Ekstrom, Max" , "Schwartz, Rebecca" , "Campbell, Amanda" , "Morrow III, Andrew" , "Crandell, Dawn" To: Nakano Eric , Shei Edward , "Langdon, Genevieve" , Dinsmore Scott , Hays Will , DSOKOL , Elfelf3 , 'A real friendly guy' , Leon Trotsky To: 'Sleepless' , MTRECHOC , Paigely , "The stupendous Dr. Terrier" , "'The Infamous Dr. Basse'" , 'Flake' , 'Super J' , 'A Whole School Bus of Fun' To: "'Your Add Here!! Call: (914) 323-6419'" , Waltwly , Wharf Rat Subject: FW: Aphorims (fwd) Date: Sun, 25 Feb 96 18:15:00 PST Message-Id: <31311807@slcgwy2.slc.edu> Encoding: 241 TEXT X-Mailer: Microsoft Mail V3.0 Some of these are funny, and some are nonsense. Enjoy.... > Aphorisms > > 1. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and > give the wrong answers. -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie > > 2. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. > > 3. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, > involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The > hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": > 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating. > -- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course > > 4. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the > unfit, to do the unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness, _The New York Times_, 1960 > > 5. Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all > the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them." > > Slogan of 107.1, a station in Champagne: "Champaign radio sucks. > But we suck less!" > > 6. With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand > miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, > and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there > is no such thing as progress. -- Ransom K. Ferm > > 7. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. > > 8. Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to > pound in the correct screw. > > 9. The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" > The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" > The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it > cost?" > The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries > with that?" > > 10. Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years > and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make > some of the worst movies in the history of the world. > -- Dave Barry > > 11. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian > because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown > > 12. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely > rearranging their prejudices. -- William James > > 13. Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes > hurtling down the highway. -- Andrew Tannenbaum > > 14. We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom > that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits > down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot > stove-lid again---and that is well; but also she will never sit > down on a cold one anymore. -- Mark Twain > > 15. There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in > the streets? > -- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate > > 16. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an > infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without > even considering if there are men on base. > -- Dave Barry > > 17. I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly > for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers > -- and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from > physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at > fancy dress balls. -- Editor of the Limerick Times > (Limerick, Ireland) > > 18. When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl. > > 19. Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your > triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately one billion > Chinese couldn't care less. > > 20. 668: The Neighbor of the Beast > > 21. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather > straps. -- Emo Phillips > > 22. Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. > > 23. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a > mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones > > 24. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn > from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their > apparent disinclination to do so. > -- Douglas Adams, _Last Chance to See_ > > 25. As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not > important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying > me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so. > -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney > > 26. When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, > a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God > of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't > believe?" -- Quentin Crisp > > 27. Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two > nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary > rights of another. -- Ambrose Bierce, #019#The Devil's Dictionary > > 28. I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and > tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this > country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm > sick and tired of being told that I am! -- Monty Python > > 29. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. > -- George Carlin > > 30. Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma. > > 31. Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent > revolution inevitable. -- John F. Kennedy > > 32. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of > which I disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant > > 33. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. > -- Ashleigh Brilliant > > 34. Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her. > > 35. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. > > 36. Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing > that way. > > 37. Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you > think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? > 1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. > 2. Advising the President. > 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. > --David Letterman > > 38. Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, > Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". > Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace > your principles or your mistress." > > 39. For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow, > but phone calls taper off. -- Johnny Carson > > 40. I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. > Unless we lose game five. -- Charles Barkley > > 41. My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but > then I realized that I had no character. > -- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself > "the Charles Barkley of figure skating" > > 42. The most important thing in the programming language is the name. > A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently > invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable > language. -- D. E. Knuth, 1967 > > 43. A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you > least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's > left of your unit. -- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS > magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance. > > 44. 1. People are animals. > 2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain. > 3. Life is antagonistic to the living. > 4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, > bombed, and plucked for music. > 5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by > their own cunning. > 6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed > by their own momentum. > 7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion > supports us. > -- E. L. Doctorow "The Book of Daniel" > > 45. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of > Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain > > 46. Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they > don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the > world. > Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front? > > 47. On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor > Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To > which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest > grade the University will allow me to award." > > 48. The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average > (mean) number of legs. -- E. Grebenik > > 49. Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three > sides." > > 50. Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding > you. -- Old Farmer's Almanac > > 51. G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" > EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air > and scatter oneself over a wide area." > -- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4 > > 52. The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled. > -- Plutarch > > 53. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone > wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than > one night." > -- Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz] > > 54. The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. > -- Salvador Dali > > 55. What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant > intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average > adult. -- Sigmund Freud > > 56. I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, > but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson > > 57. Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain > > 58. "Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog > 59. "Like all intellectuals, he is intensely stupid." - Dangerous Liasons > 60. If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance. > 61. Never let your education interfere with your learning. Abraham Lincoln Quotes Here is a quotation I have seen attributed to President Lincoln: "You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. You cannot help small men by tearing down big men. You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. You cannot lift the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer. You cannot help the poor man by destroying the rich. You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than your income. You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred. You cannot establish security on borrowed money. You cannot build character and courage by taking away men's initiative and independence. You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves." # Adventures of Ford Fairlane, The Ford Fairlane: You're 10 seconds away from the most embarrassing moment in your life! # Army of Darkness [In a passionate moment of romance] Ash: Gimme some sugar, baby. [The girl wants to apologize to Ash] Ash: First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow. [When the witch comes at the end] Ash: Yo, she-bitch! [cocks shotgun] Let's go! Ash: Shop smart, shop S-mart! [Last line] Ash: Hail to the king, baby. # Blues Brothers, The The Bartender: We got both kinds of music - country AND western. # Cadillac Man [Joe is trading insults with a photographer] Joe: You know what you are --- you're an *ss-half... Takes two of you to make an *ss-whole. Moly: ...you have no respect for women. Joe: I guess dinner and a blow job's out of the question. Moly: I guess. Joe: We'll forget dinner... # Casablanca Yvonne: Where were you last night? Rick Blaine: That's so long ago, I don't remember. Yvonne: Will I see you tonight? Rick Blaine: I never make plans that far ahead. Mongol General: Conan, what is good in life? Conan: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, hear the lamentations of the women. # Empire Strikes Back, The Princess Leia Organa: I love you. Han Solo: I know. # Evil Dead II [Upon gaining the chain saw in place of his lost right hand] Ash: Groovy. # Evil Dead, The [Sharyn has been hacked into several pieces] Ash: We can't bury Sharyn. She's our friend. Doctor Peter Venkman: Back off man. I'm a scientist. Doctor Peter Venkman: This chick is *toast*. Doctor Raymond Stantz: Well, this is great. If the ionization-rate is constant for all ectoplasmic entities, we can really bust some heads ... in a spiritual sense ... Dekanus: This university will no longer continue any funding of any kind for your group's activities. Doctor Peter Venkman: But the kids love us! Dana Barrett: That's the bedroom, but nothing ever happened in there. Doctor Peter Venkman: What a crime. [Doctor Peter Venkman is opening the refrigerator door to look for ghosts] Doctor Peter Venkman: Oh my God! Look at all the junk food. Doctor Peter Venkman: He slimed me! Janine Melnitz: Do you believe in UFOs, astralprojections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoiance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full transmedium, the Loch Ness monster and the theory of Atlantis? Winston Zeddmore: Ah, if there is a steady paycheck in it, I'll believe anything you tell me. [The Gate Keeper, possessing Dana Barrett's body] The Gate Keeper: Do you want this body? Doctor Peter Venkman: Is this a trick question? Winston Zeddmore: Do you believe in God? Doctor Raymond Stantz: Never met him. Doctor Peter Venkman: When someone asks you if you're a god, you say yes! # Heathers Veronica: Heather, why are you such a bitch? Heather: Because I can be. # Highlander Ramirez: If your head comes away from your neck, it's over! [Looking at the body lying next to its head] Garfield: What do you think the cause of death was, Lieutenant? # In the Line of Fire Lilly Raines: What makes you think he'll call back? Frank Horrigan: Oh, he'll call back. He's got "panache". Lilly Raines: Panache? Frank Horrigan: Yeah, it means flamboyance. Lilly Raines: I know what it means. Frank Horrigan: Really? I had to look it up... Sam Campagna: Frank, the president sent his limo for you. Lilly Raines: Well, that's the least he could do. Frank Horrigan: Good, I love public transportation. # Jurassic Park Lex: It's a UNIX system! I know this!!! Ian Malcolm: God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs... Dr. Ellie Sattler: Dinosaurs destroys man. Women inherit the earth... Ian Malcolm: Oh no. We're in the hands of engineers! # L.A. Story Harris K. Telemacher: Ordinarily, I don't like to be around interesting people because it means I have to be interesting too. Sara McDowel: Are you saying I'm interesting? Harris K. Telemacher: All I'm saying is that, when I'm around you, I find myself showing off, which is the idiot's version of being interesting. Bob: Hi. My name is Bob. I'll be your robber. Harris K. Telemacher: Hi, how are you? [Hands him the money] Bob: Thank you very much. # Marked for Death [John Hatcher just killed two of the bad guys and is chatting to his buddy.] John Hatcher: One thought he was invisible, and the other thought he could fly. They were both wrong. # Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear, The Quentin Hapsburg: You do speak French don't you? Lt. Frank Drebin: Unfortunately no, but I do kiss that way. [Lt. Frank Drebin making a speech at the White House] Lt. Frank Drebin: I want a world where Frank junior and all the Frank juniors can sit under a shady tree, breathe the air, swim in the ocean, and go into a 7-11 without an interpreter. Lt. Frank Drebin: The truth hurts doesn't it Hapsburg? Oh, sure maybe not as much as jumping on a bike with the seat missing... [Lt. Frank Drebin and Ed are in a sex shop making inquiries] Busty female shop assistant: Why should I tell you copper? Lt. Frank Drebin: Because I'm the last line of defense between sleeze like this and the decent people of this town. [a male shop assistant appears from a storeroom.] Assistant: Oh hi Frank, say we got that model D83 Swedish sure-grip suck machine that you ordered. [Talking to the female assistant] Lt. Frank Drebin: It's a gift. # Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!, The Frank Drebin: Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute before until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat. Frank Drebin: Interesting... Almost as interesting as the photographs I saw today. Jane Spencer: I was young. I needed the work. # Palm Beach Story, The John D. Hackensacker III: That's one of the greatest tragedies of this life -- that the men who are most in need of a beating up are always enormous. # Rambling Rose Rose: I am only a human being person! Daddy: Put your damn tit back in your dress ... replace that tit! # Roxanne C.D. Bayles: Fashionable: You know you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger... like Wyoming! C.D. Bayles: Polite: Would you mind not bobbing your head; the orchestra keeps changing the tempo. Dixie: Want anything? A drink? C.D. Bayles: Yeah, but if I ask for another one, give it to me. # Silence of the Lambs, The Dr. Hannibal Lecter: I do wish we could chat longer, but I'm having an old friend for dinner. # Spaceballs President Scroob: Why didn't anyone tell me my *ss was so big??? [After the self-destruction mechanism has been activated] President Scroob: Sandurz, Sandurz. You got to help me. I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions. I'm a president! # Three Amigos! [Dusty Bottoms and Lucky Day thinks Ned Nederlander is saying "mail" plane] Dusty Bottoms: What is it doing here? Ned Nederlander: I think it's a male plane. Dusty Bottoms: How can you tell? Ned Nederlander: Didn't you notice it's little balls? # Under Siege (1992) Admiral Bates: This is Admiral Bates speaking. I am trying to get a hold of chief Ryback. Is he about? Jordan Tate: He is in a gunfight right now. I'm gonna have to take a message. # War of the Roses, The [Finding out that they are going to get a divorce] Oliver Rose: And you better get yourself a damned good lawyer! Barbara Rose: Best your money can buy! # Wayne's World Garth Algar: That is a babe! She makes me feel kinda funny, like when we used to climb the rope in gym-class. Benjamin Oliver: So Garth, how do you like being in a studio? Garth Algar: Ahm, it's it's like a new pair of underwear, you know... At first it's constrictive, but after a while it becomes a part of you. # Wayne's World 2 [Instead of saying "excuse me, I beg your pardon?"] Wayne Campbell: Exsqueeze me? A baking-powder? # Young Guns II Charles Phalen: William H. Bonney, heh? Billy the Kid was shot and killed by Pat Garret. Everybody knows that, it's common knowledge. William H. Bonney (the Old): There are other lawyers around, you piece of chicken sh*t. Get back in the vehicle and drive before I make it 22 just for the hell of it. [last line a lot of people heard] William H. Bonney: Yoohoo. I'll make you famous! Judge Bristol: ...and there be hanged by the neck till he be dead, dead, dead. Now, do you have anything to say, young man? William H. Bonney: Yes I do, your Honor. You can go to hell, hell, hell. Entertaining Quotes: The Secret to Success is Sincerity Once you can fake that, You've Got it Made! Ivan Tostoff On a display of "You're my one and only" valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs. In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan In the window of a general store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come right here? In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. Rita Rudner Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Johnny Carson Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron. George Carlin They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning. Billie Holliday I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Dave Edison From SCSTRAUS@teletechusa.com Wed Mar 6 09:40:53 1996 Date: Tue, 05 Mar 1996 17:43:33 -0700 From: SEAN STRAUS To: scstraus@wonderland.teletechusa.com Subject: FW: FWD>Quotes (fwd) -Forwarded Received: from slcgwy2.slc.edu by slcdns.slc.edu (AIX 3.2/UCB 5.64/4.03) id AA09091; Tue, 5 Mar 1996 19:33:44 -0500 Received: by slcgwy2.slc.edu with Microsoft Mail id <313D0A7D@slcgwy2.slc.edu>; Tue, 05 Mar 96 19:46:05 PST From: "Hume, Joshua" To: Horowitz Amy , "Sapienza, Emily" , "Bolkin, Julie" , "slocum, joshua" , "Ekstrom, Max" , Samuelson Pamela , "Schwartz, Rebecca" , "Campbell, Amanda" To: "Morrow III, Andrew" , Cullinan Christopher , "Crandell, Dawn" , Nakano Eric , Shei Edward , "Langdon, Genevieve" , "DeCrescenzo, Nicole" , Dinsmore Scott , Hays Will To: DSOKOL , Elfelf3 , 'FAIR' , 'Jack Temkin' , Leon Trotsky , 'Kristyn Furino' , MTRECHOC , Paigely , "The stupendous Dr. Terrier" To: "'The Infamous Dr. Basse'" , 'Flake' , 'Super J' , 'A Whole School Bus of Fun' , 'Mac Head' , Waltwly , Wharf Rat Subject: FW: FWD>Quotes (fwd) Date: Tue, 05 Mar 96 19:44:00 PST Message-Id: <313D0A7D@slcgwy2.slc.edu> Encoding: 137 TEXT X-Mailer: Microsoft Mail V3.0 ---------- From: Samuelson Pamela To: namisamois; mlady; Hume, Joshua; Campbell, Amanda; Blair, Colin Subject: FW: FWD>Quotes (fwd) Date: Tuesday, March 05, 1996 7:01PM the hits just keep on coming ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- FORWARDED FROM: Samuelson Pamela Microsoft Mail v3.0 IPM.Microsoft Mail.Note From: Wallace, Heather To: Samuelson Pamela Subject: FW: FWD>Quotes (fwd) Date: 1996-03-05 17:55 Priority: Message ID: 7601745D Parent message ID: 5784DF46 Conversation ID: 5784DF46 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- ========================================================================== "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." Brooke Shields, said to demonstrate why she should become spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward "I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate." Vice-President Dan Quayle (surprise, surprise) "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C. On Pesticides: "Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway." Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane "The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police." Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad "Are you any relation to your brother Marv?" Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator "If you can't make the putts and can't get the man in from second on the bottom of the ninth, you're not going to win enough football games in this league, and that's the problem we had today." Sam Rutigliano, Cleveland Browns coach, on why his team lost. On Government Ability to Communicate After Death,: "Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued...Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976." Illinois Department of Public Aid On Criticism: "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass--and I'm just the one to do it." A congressional candidate in Texas "It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant." Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad MEMBERS AND NON-MEMBERS ONLY Sign outside Mexico City's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio Wish--To end all the killing in the world Hobbies--Hunting and fishing From personal statistics of California Angel Bryan Harvey, flashed on the scoreboard at Anaheim Stadium "He's trying to take the decision out of the hands of twelve honest men and give it to 435 Congressmen!" Representative Charles Vanik of Ohio, when he heard that the indicted Spiro Agnew was asking to have his corruption case tried by the House instead of in a regular court "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history... this century's history...We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion about the Holocaust "In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent..." John Connally, Secretary of Treasury under Richard Nixon, in an early seventies speech, as reported in a contemporary "American Scholar" "At the Lincoln Park traps on Sunday...over 80 shooters took part in the program. Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself." From the Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator" "The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make them unsafe." Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia "I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted." Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries On the little-known importance of Poultry Inspectors: "The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijackiing an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector." Knight Ridder News Service dispatch "After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school department is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post." Philip Streifer, superintendent of schools, Barrington Rhode Island "The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing." Baseball great Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series From SCSTRAUS@teletechusa.com Thu Mar 7 12:53:44 1996 Date: Thu, 07 Mar 1996 11:36:35 -0700 From: SEAN STRAUS To: scstraus@wonderland.teletechusa.com Subject: FW: The Nature of the Universe -Forwarded Received: from slcgwy2.slc.edu by slcdns.slc.edu (AIX 3.2/UCB 5.64/4.03) id AA07517; Thu, 7 Mar 1996 13:28:49 -0500 Received: by slcgwy2.slc.edu with Microsoft Mail id <313F57F3@slcgwy2.slc.edu>; Thu, 07 Mar 96 13:41:07 PST From: "Hume, Joshua" To: Horowitz Amy , "'Colin, an important part of the body'" , "Sapienza, Emily" , "Bolkin, Julie" , "Isaacs, James" , "slocum, joshua" , "Ekstrom, Max" To: Samuelson Pamela , "Schwartz, Rebecca" , "Campbell, Amanda" , "Morrow III, Andrew" , Cullinan Christopher , "Crandell, Dawn" , Nakano Eric , Shei Edward To: "Langdon, Genevieve" , "DeCrescenzo, Nicole" , Dinsmore Scott , Hays Will , DSOKOL , Elfelf3 , 'FAIR' , 'Andy Knight' , 'Jack Temkin' To: Leon Trotsky , 'Kristyn Furino' , MTRECHOC , Paigely , Aaron Davis , "The stupendous Dr. Terrier" , "'The Infamous Dr. Basse'" , 'Flake' , 'Super J' To: 'Tom Trelogan' , Waltwly , Wharf Rat Subject: FW: The Nature of the Universe Date: Thu, 07 Mar 96 13:38:00 PST Message-Id: <313F57F3@slcgwy2.slc.edu> Encoding: 70 TEXT X-Mailer: Microsoft Mail V3.0 A number of you do not read things that I forward, but, upon seeing the list of names, immediatley delete. Please make an exception for this one.... QUOTES ON THE NATURE OF THE UNIVERSE ====================================== Carl Zwanzig: "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...." Douglas Adams: "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." Unknown: "Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things." Edward P. Tryon: "In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time." John Andrew Holmes: "It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others." Max Frisch: "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it." Kilgore Trout: "The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest." Woody Allen: "I'm astounded by people who want to `know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." Douglas Adams: "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." William J. Broad: "The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing." Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." Fred Hoyle: "There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for." Ray Bradbury: "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe." Christopher Morley: "My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed." Edward Chilton: "I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge." Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."